this sack of burden
this bag of rock and lead
needs be left
on the side of the lonely
uphill slough
that i trend and tend
to tireless effect

i am currently watching liverpool stink up the joint vs stoke city in a starbucks in saugus mass, as i wait to go to work next door. my car hood attacked me whilst driving home the other night, causing 750 dollars US worth of damage. ouch.
there is a coffee date couple enjoying each others company across the room from me. unfortunately for the gentleman the young woman showed up early with a book titled, meditations for women who do too much. not a good sign. a good sign would have been if the title was meditations for women who do too many. either way.
cmon liverpool!!!

im out of work due to injury. i still get paid, a little less than i would like, but that seems to be the norm, so im not complaining. so now my job, it seems, is to find things to do with myself before the day crawls away into oblivion. so far so good.
today i downloaded an application for my phone that bluetooth connects to my laptop, which can then be used as a wireless keyboard to control the computer. so with an hdmi cable i connected my computer to my tv, connected my phone to my computer and watched the first half of the liverpool game through the magic of streaming internet through my tv. during halftime i cleaned up the remains of my brain matter which had leaked out of my ears due to an overdose of glee then ate some mac and cheese doused with sriracha sauce. delicious.
sorry ive been away so long. this is where ive been---

that orange blur in the tree line is my disc. total bliss.

obnoxious stupid- watchin MSU'79grad/red sox fan bet 5 guys $50 MSU wood cover spread. yells at tv for 3hrs. see also- obnupid -i didnt bet.

a kid who just hit an inside the park home run from the marlins said he'd never heard of "yaz".
fuck
im getting old.
bonafacio=the exact opposite of ken griffey jr
whose return to the home of the sounders came with
a slower run home
fuck.

on the right you will find a new link to my twitter account. i swore i wouldnt join the league of sheep that is the new myspace/facebook/douchebaggery network site of the week. but its kind of funny seeing updates from stephen colbert followed by pics of shaquille oneill shaving his face taken from his very own cell phone. bizarre shit to be sure. anyways- im on there. so...

im reading a book. every 2 years or so i decide that enough money has been wasted on trivial means of essential entertainment, such as movies or food, that i decide to see whats going on in the world of literature. that and im much too poor to pay for a decent means of fun. read- boozing. so ill head to the cornerstone book shop in my home town of salem ma and slap down the 15 bucks for some proper type.
its the road by cormac mccarthy. and yup its awesome. a post apocolyptic tale about a man and his boy heading across the desolate plains to the coast for... well im not sure yet. havent gotten that far. but im enjoying the ride so far. mccarthy is the feller who penned no country for old man, blood meridian, all the pretty horses to name a few. old man has been writing for over 45 years and it seems that he hits his stride with more firm gusto now than ever. he writes in staccato rhythms on legato themes and a barely there style of punctuation that im sure infuriates the olde guard, but leaves the reader breathless at each pages end.
its an awesome feeling getting back into reading pages bound with such a master leading the way. moreso its just awesome knowing that i can still read.

id like to meet the man with the worlds smallest fingers. id like to gently encompass his thimble thumbs in my -by comparison- otherworldly meat hooks and shake the maker of such fine craftsmanship. as it could be only he who could so nimbly and delicately place the headlight of a hyundai elantra in such a tight area as that. either that or the koreans have expertly trained ninja mice who install the bulbs with supremely deft agility and keebler elf like precision. how else could a bulb made of fucking glass and fishing line thick wire end up in a crevice so barely there, so unimaginably crafted from hard plastics and machined steel?
i only wish that when i was very young i could have forseen that i would one day be lucky enough to drive such a vehicle as this. i would have surely engaged in some forms of rigorous finger agility or knuckle acrobatics or drank less milk to stunt the calcium development in my soon to be girthy caucasion frame. damn my waspy heritage. white mans guilt is real. and it seems now that it is my burden to bear. oh woe.

i feel tired of things. like the aches and constant tiredness of things so cruel and old that it feels like im being introduced to it over and over and over again. Such as the silliness of the whole hunter s. thompson and charles bukowski "was a genius thing" and how the old boys can never be re-created... well let me be the first to tell you, sweet subscriber, that these relics of the form are very fucking dead and shall remain so until otherwise resurrected to type the NEW testament of the written word. and to be perfectly truthfull- it aint ever gonna happen

FALLING IN LOVE
WITH THE IMAGES IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR

im an idiot. theres no doubt about it. only an idiot falls in love with the person in the car behind them at a red light. its like this idiotic pg13 rated vouyer thing ive got. and i guess its innocent enough really. its not like i like to watch girls pee or anything. im not a pervert. at least anymore than any other normal guy is. i just like to look at the person behind me at red lights through my rear view mirror is all. its interesting. you can tell alot about the person behind you in those fleeting moments of driving down time, or you can do what i do and make up up a whole bunch of shit about someone youre likely to never see or meet in your lifetime. see? its a game i play. fun.
now id like to tell you this. id like to tell you that i was trying to figure out what the girl in the toyota camry behind me was singing to herself as we waited for that light to turn green. but i feel like if i did tell you that you would pass an instant value judgement on me. label me a weirdo or a lookie lou or a leering larry or something im not. so instead ill lie. and ill tell you that i peered for a second into the sun temporarily stunning my vision. and that is why i couldnt see you in front of me. and thats why just for a second-as my foot lifted from the brake pedal to switch into acceleration mode, my front bumper collided with your rear bumper.
and besides "sully", if that is your real name, why on earth would anyone have a vehicle whose bumpers are made of dyna plate? are you in the A-Team? are you BA barracus? am i in a steven j. cannell production? no? well... let me tell you something buddy. if you had been looking at me in your rear view like i was looking at the girl behind me than this never would have happened. so really- its your fault.

suck on some pavement you bumper humping slack jaw! is what i wanted to tell the man who cut my place in line at the local walgreens. a place i usually dare not go alone.
-walking in to "little beirut" as i call it is innocuous enough, the lingerers all wait patiently and respectfully, picking their noses in peace or screaming at themselves in a contained audible tone while the derolicts huddle en masse for a bus that seems to never come, warming themsleves with fire from the ends of their found cigarrette butts. leaving, however, is like being at a morroccan flea market. impossibly dirty hands spring from the smoky ether in begging position. "got a cigarette"? claims are heard in at least two known languages as the flannel shirted hoodie men attack you for your change, and the dirty winter coat set try to con you for "bus fair" with incredibly rich and long winded tales of lost car keys off the decks of their boats or wives caught cheating two towns away.-
instead what i said to the line jumper was "excuse me. i think you misunderstood the rules." to which he replied nothing. at which point i said- "are you serious right now?" to which he repiled- "SHUT UUUUUPPP!!! you gonna make a big deal out of it? i didnt see you there ALL RIGHT?!!?" hmmm. its at this point decisions come quick. his outerwear told me he was of the derolict crew. i was vastly outnumbered. this was a situation i needed to handle with delicate precision. " im only trying to point out the fact that what you did was rude man. nothing more." i said. c a l m l y. "you wasnt even in line!" he gnashed. "i was that person standing in front of you man. if i wasnt in line then neither were you." "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!??!" he growled. to which i said while now tying my shoe "you know what dude? why dont you just pay for your shit, get out of my face, and have a good day of picking up pennies off the ground."
... and that was that.
silence now. and my head is still on a swivel one day later. a final rebuttal is coming im sure, when a check my mouth has been writing comes back and bounces off my head. until then, its all about the delicate precision.

i took a rain soaked walk with the dog tonight, as no respite would come from the clouds overhead. our steps were illuminated by the strobaphobic light show from above and by the passing headlights from below. both were too numerous and frequent to count. ive never seen so many lightning strikes in such a small window of time, and it seemed that on any other night it would be a treacherous end to a nondescript day. but nondescript nor ending will it be, as all i could think about was you and your little car pushing through this inclement weather increment by stormy increment, traveling a hundred miles in a deluge, all just to come and curl up next to me. and i wonder for your sake if i, or it, is worth the trouble. and as i finger dried my hair safe in the comfort of my room where you soon will be, i look at the picture of us taken on that red couch in the hooka bar- and the only answer i can come up with is this- of course it is.

varieties of creature not featured on the animal planet network

during my years of research on a myriad of various subjects i have come across some wildly interesting facts that are buried beneath the veil of normalcy that typical news and media outlets cover on a regular basis. i thought i could share some of these factoids with you.

the double breasted silver chinned grouse-
this species of bird indigenous to oklahoma lives underground. its diet consists entirely of grubs and seaweed. as seaweed is a rarity in oklahoma due to lack of ocean water, the grouse nests near sushi restaurants in sewer drains or under the foundations of the buildings in which the restaurants reside. the long flowing silver beard like feathers located on the bottom of its chin easily distinguish the grouse from its cousin, the double breasted finch. both the double breasted grouse and the finch are the only birds that have nipples, four of them, that burst through its chest plummage during mating season. a rarity to be sure in the world of birds, the grouse uses a form of telekenisis to communicate with its brethren. science is baffled by these strange birds, as professer of avian studies at oklahoma city community college hilario p. knusswaffle has been studying these strange creatures for the better part of 37 years with no real scientific knowledge having been gained from these odd creatures.

the austrian snow spider-
extremely rare, this species of spider lives in the most extreme peaks of the swiss alps. pure white in color, the spider gets its name from the very distinctive hitler-like black moustache just above its mouth. an interesting insect, its diet consists of yellow snow and its own legs. a voracious eater, the snow spider has a life expectancy of 3 hours. due to its odd eating habits, the snow spider has become nearly extinct.

the blue naval lint monkey-
an unusual breed of micro monkey, this animal lives in the belly button of human beings. its diet consists solely of dead skin. unlike its distant cousin, the grey butt crack lint babboon, the lint monkey has a surprisingly advanced defense system. upon contact with human hands it releases a nerve toxin that penetrates the hosts umbilical skin, debilitating its host with feelings of naseua and extreme discomfort. it is for this reason that the lint monkey should never be disturbed. little else is known about these creatures besides their diet and habitat. some research scientists claim that the hiv virus was created by cross breeding between the lint monkey and the butt crack baboon, but these claims have never been substantiated.

whatever happened to john norris?

you know john norris? that earringed lookie lou from old school mtv news?
you know the one who would fawn and drool over such bands as
the new kids on the block
or bell biv devoe
devote entire portions of his life to michael jackson. both in terms of fashion and in political affiliations.
wax poetic about the guitar stylings of nuno bettencourt from Exxxtreme.
( i spell that bands name with three x's. if they had done the same they would have been seen as the american beatles. instead gary left the band, replaced some other dude in van halen, and now shops in the trader joe's in danvers MA, along with the elderly and the cougarly. what a waste. )
and would praise janet jackson's rhythm nation as the proudest album in the history of music?
john norris was born a simple man in houston texas in 1959.
thats right 19fifty-fuckin-nine!
that would place him at 30 years old when he was praising such works as the new kids
late 30's early 40's when he was riding that Nsync high that swept across the prepubescent landscape of america in the 2000's.
anyway- i have three points.
1- yet another reason to hate Mtv. over paid, over grown, out of touch, star struck, high school journalists telling hundreds of millions of kids what their version of cool is. thats not my idea of a good time. dressing up like some Dorchester prick from 1984. my coife appearing as though i'd just gotten into a scissor fight with a "stylist" at fantastic sams. my arms and legs working independently of each other in semi rhythmic pulsations and calling it choreography. ugh.
2- how has he not been arrested for pedophilia yet? what 30 year old single male do you know that listens to hannah montana? the jonas brothers? hillary duff? and fucking tells people about it?!!?...exactly. only the perv's. and if you actually do know anyone that fits that musical description, than i implore you to do the right thing and notify the police immediately. cuz ill bet you money they live within a mile of a grade school.
3- why hasnt he sued perez hilton for copyright infringement yet? john norris was the OG tabitha tabloid on Mtv. if you wanted the straight news you'd got to kurt loder. the fancier side of music was covered by norris. kurt cobain shoot himself in the face?..( allegedly)- loder's on it.
donnie from the new kids punch an elevator in boston?-norris is totally there. did jewel pen a piece of shit rag of poetry?- loder's up her ass about it. did jewel pen a piece of shit rag of poetry?- norris is powdering his pussy in anticipation of the interview. first question- what was it like living in a van? now we've got perez hilton for the candy, sway for the urban pieces, and gideon yago for the news that young white people care about. all three of these people's names are made up. and no one cares.

fuck you john norris. next up kennedy. god i hate Mtv of the late 20th century.

thats why they have handles you "r" tard

wow. lookit that one!!! its like its being propelled by alien forces!
flying flipping forward does that urban tumbleweed travel
that plastic bag hurtling toward inevtiability
hanging itself in a tree where it shall stay for the duration of the summer at least.
while all the shitbag fucktards in the universe come in to my store and request more waste than necessary-
how are you today i ask between gritted gnashing teeth
the knuckles on my hand turning white with fury
as she responds
plastic in paper in plastic please. i have stairs to climb.
its a fucking half gallon of milk you retard!
is what i would like to say if it werent necessary for me to pay rent.
but instead i bend at the naval and allow this wasteful human to continue on her oblivious path
towards her own inevitable path to a grave that lies below a tree decorated with plastic bags dangling from the branches that shade her eternal slumber.

sorry for my absence.
and sorry for the last post-
i was listening to elliot smith.
jesus that dude was depressing, but youve gotta give credit to man who killed himself
by stabbing his own chest TWICE with a knife.
anyway. listen to new portishead. its awesome.

to chainsaw


gaia preformed her little dance for all to see just how cute she can be.
and then it happened-
she fell while piruetting for her cookie.
and maybe it was the embarrassment of the event but she has hung up her dancing shoes now.
she only stands at attention now for those treats,
and it is my concern that she has now become as old as her doggy daddy has.
as i am now a bespectacled gentleman, allegedly needing glasses for sight,
not fully believing it as of yet.
but i think
her k9 parents have long since passed im sure
and i only wonder at the age of 12
how much longer do i have the pleasure of her company?
how much longer do i expect her to be a puppy in a coat of ever growing gray?
and it pains me to think that the broken heart tattoo that covers the inside
of my bicep is really for her
and that i just happened to get it early in advance of such emotional devastation.
i wonder these things,
and i look at that fat fuck of a cat
little chainsaw
with no malicious bone in her little body
and i think to myself-
dear god am i gonna resent you when gaia is gone.
5 years.
all i ask is 5 more years.

AMONGST NO ONE


is this really happening again?
do i really have the fortitude to go through this process one more time?
it all seems to be falling into place so easily
when two people can have so much in common
enjoy the complex nature of each other in such a simple manner
enjoying being together as much as we do.
and yet i wonder am i looking for too much too soon
as i sit here in front of the cool hum of the monitor
as you enjoy the company of others on a friday night.
and i remind myself that you are not HER
and that SHE is long gone
that I am better for it.
for youll be here soon
and i will be the better person for it
per usual.

and i remind myself again the images burned into my retinas
those of your caribbean sea blue eyes
your impeccable porcelain complexion
the perfect entangle of dark chocolate tresses
and how my hands get lost in them so easily
the sight of you laughing uncontrollably at my idiotic attempts at humor
and all at once i am well content
as i fall ever controlled into the light abyss that is a new union
and my hand loosens its grip on the release for the safety chute
once and for all.

ive yet to thank you for that
and can only hope that for as long as we both wish it to be
ill spend everyday
telling you in my own quirky and fumbling way
how much i appreciate you showing me
that i can fall again
and not get hurt in the inevitable landing.

minority majorus

who dredged the hood?
all recently convicted or released please step up to the track
the 455 bus is departing soon
i swear ive never been so nervous while waiting for public transport
and ive been to the bus depot in schenectady ny
and the train drop in utica
places you would never wish upon your least favorite people
where the bums piss on the benches as they sit two feet to your left
the crack dealers greet you with a lei made of crystal meth
and the hookers set up shop in the bathroom stalls to the shock of many an uncomfortable and weary traveler
yes, ive seen many a thing during my days of waiting
but these "people" took the cake so to say
call me what you will,
and yes i admit freely that i am hobophobic in the worst sense,
but there is only so many cornrowed weaves
wonky eyed femalians
and basic pedophiliac degenerates that one man can stand.
most sincerely when these huddled masses are hunched on the same public bus.
this doesnt even cover the pub scene on a sunday eve
when my sole purpose is to play foosball and relax in a pool of libation
where the conversations range from hellen mirran being wonderful in that crime show on cbs
to why armageddon is a superior movie to the rock
to the bathroom stall scrawl that reads " the night pigions are flying high" with nazi symbols scratched beneath.
all conversations, make of man, and bird i would rather have no part of.
spring is on the way,
you can always tell when the restless natives awake from their winter slumbers
and lurch into the streets like half awake rodents
scrounging for sustenance in whatever form they can find.

theres no way i could do this any longer
is what i said to her
its just not in me to develop or foster a burgeoning relationship
anything more than friendship, or the idea of it, makes me physically ill
as this person you thought i was
or this person that you so hoped i was
is not at all the person who sits in front of you
and i think you deserve to know that
its as simple as this
all those little tiny bags that i was born with
have grown exponentially in the past two years
and it seems that theyve slowed me to a minimal growth pace
so i say to you now
until i sort out the contents of the luggage i carry constantly
there can be no additions to the foundations that ive had to rebuild for myself.
and im sorry.

and this is all i would have told you
had i any words that could possibly leak through these
tightly pursed lips.
but instead ill sit quietly
and nod with approval
and not hear a word that comes out of your mouth
or see a tear that drops from your eye
as i slowly pull my face away from your own.

astronomie ominous


from here it appears that the only constellations are the ones made from row houses
and the arteries are human coarsing the landscape of a celestial body
from this vantage point
it seems there is no point of advantage
as my pen explodes in my hand due to cabin pressure
and my reading lamp continues to malfunction
increasing my blood pressure
as ive nothing now to read and or write
i can only look to the extreme south through a plastic window
and watch the ground far below turn frozen.
i can see my destination now from that window
and it looks to me like hell has officially frozen over.
welcome home.

tis the season
for overeating and massive consumption
for sweating greasy crisco sweat
and crying tears made of buttermilk
for expanding waistlines
and receding pickling livers
for breathing heavy whilst standing still
and for belching in your sleep

tis that season for stupidity
and im engaged in it
full body style
a full body stupid
encompassing the all of me
and i spend all of my hard earned cash
on a winter coat fitting
that i pray will will keep me cozy
on those cold winter nights
when i sleep alone in a bed built for two
just me and my overhang

now if youll excuse me
its time for my midday feed

happy new years from the meter maids.
may this new year find you well and full of belly

trust me when i tell you that im waiting for the hammer to plunge from great heights directly upon my head. there is no way possible days like these havent a repercussive nature, like some sort of aesop tail of morality, bifurcated swinging impishly from side to side off the ass end of the day- mucking the shit out of the all the hard work youve laid into building a foundation of goodness and gregarious nature. like the days can have a soul, like those days could haunt you in some sort of poltergeist like manner, as if the end result of all the good and harmonious feelings were a disruption to the preset karmic laws of your existence. its called preternatural organic paranoia. and ive got it real hard. its called fear of success. and it doomed me from the womb. its a skin too few.

money? check
girl? check
new pedals for the moped? check
food in the belly and fridge? check and check

what else is there really?

it only goes to show the ignorance to the surroundings when it seems for two years the environ has conspired to unite two people who had no idea such a plan was in the works. it only goes to show the true meaning to the concept of time and to the importance of timing when it takes the parties involved to make those all important first steps towards each other in a free willed manner. its all about taking chances. well chances have been taken, and all the soothsaying, and naysaying, and personal nerdowelling cant stop the events that are about to unfold before me.
merry christmas.
hope yours goes as well as mine has.
-j-

my head is spinning like an origami top
crafted from the finest parchment this world has ever wrought
the scattered thoughts are smashing into each other
creating sparks capable of igniting the carefully crafted
paper toys
at the slightest touch
as smoke begins to bellow from within the brittle housing that is
a head so filled with pure oxygen and incendiary matches
quite a night indeed.

maybe all this shit has been worth it over the past four years. four years of drudgerous expenditures of time and energy at a place that could not care less about me than i do it. four fucking years of the same tired questions, followed closely by the same exhausted answers. now that the time is nigh and the end is in sight, maybe all the genuine anthropological curiosity that i showed towards those indigenous frequenters has finally paid off.
it seems that my place of employment is "moving" to a location not so convenient to its customers, nor its employees, but really...what do they matter when considering the all mighty dollar. so ive been weighing heavily this ultimate decision asked best by joe strummer and the clash so many years ago- do i stay or do i go? on one hand weve got job security. a rather large pay wage in consideration of the actual work that i do. and instant comfort in the fact that in fact i understand the job and its inner workings better than most in that specified field. on the other hand...
we have a commute that has gone from single digit minutes to an unspecified amount of time. most likely in the half hour range. a long standing urge to want to do something different. and by that i mean anything with a life that has been for far too long sedentary and complacent. my place of employment has basically become a place i go to loathe, even the products that people drive for days to come and purchase make me physically ill upon eye view. every day i go there for work i feel like im coming down with a cold. that cant be good can it?
so today as i stood and explained for the three thousandth time in the past week why we were "moving" and why it was an inevitability and not just a slap in the face of the most financially curmudgeonly neighborhood in existence, a woman approached me with an offer for employment. a job that would most certainly nuzzle to the dreams in my head, a job at houghton mifflin. as in houghton mifflin the publishing company, not dunder mifflin the fictional company on the NBC show the office.
and its this opportunity that makes all the bullshit worth it. just knowing that there are some people in the community that see us blue collar shmoes as a viable option for more than just reaching far away products that escape their pudgy little grasps. for knowing that there is another world out there, and for knowing that it isnt what you do for a job that defines you as who you are. its more who you want to BE that defines the place where you currently are. an eye on the future is an intelligent asset, an eye on the past and on the here and now can easily become stagnant and stigmatic. so it is with a forward peering glaze that i now view this situation of timely fortune. and its with these eyes that i make a move forward in this world of who you knows and right places at the right times.