Boo Boo Kitty Fuck and the Mystery of the Two Underpants

i once overheard my neighbor talking to her male gay friend about how they should use her personal pleasure device on each other. so he took his pants off while he waited on the upstairs back porch for her to come back and upon her return she removed her pants to then squeal with drunken chubby college girl delight,"im wearing two pairs of underwear!" i didnt stick around for the finale, a friend of mine and i were discussing how best to beef up a 1976 motobecane moped, and needless to say we were both a bit queezed out by the multiple possible endings. i later sold that moped due to the graphic nature with which it existed in my mind from that point forward, the buzzing from the engine through the seat and into my ass was too much for me to handle. i felt ruined for months, no contact with the fairer sex for me, i said. and then i find this kitten on my street...

during a smoke break from a late nite card game, as my company and i were trying our best to circumvent certain cancer from our piss poor habit, i asked the girl of the group if she was wearing bells on her shoes. ( she's young and an artist and a nut job, so i wouldnt put it past her) it was when she responded quizzically and i looked down from the porch that i noticed a small brindle coated kitten wearing a red collar and bell. before i knew it i was sliding down my porch beams and leaping onto the ground below in order to inspect the curious wanderer. she walked over to me and i snatched her up and brought her into the house.
she met the dog, then her little claws met the insides of my hands as she lept to the top of the door frame completely ape shit insane. gaia looked up at me and gave me that "are you fucking kidding me" look. "she's not staying." i said, like the dog could possibly understand or even care. then she met the cat, and began hissing uncontrollably, growling at her every move. sensing this was not good to chainsaw's new found life of zen i proposed one of my card friends remove this kitten from my home before chainsaw starts pissing on everything not bolted down in the apartment. and sensing that my buddy mike had just broken up with his longtime girlfriend i figured him to be the best bet, as he might want some female company for the evening.
so mike took boo boo kitty fuck (that was her name) and texted me until 445 in the am about every stupid thing from- where do i put the cat dish in relation to the litter box? to- she's sleeping on me. to- i hate this little devil beast. call a priest dude! i think she's possessed!!! i ignored them all. things went well and i forgot all about boo boo kitty fuck until sunday night when in the midst of a rousing football game between two teams i could not care less about (read giants and dallas) mike called me fourteen times to find out who was taking the cat where and when. you see he had to work and by god all mighty no cat should be in his place upon his return from a hard day of sitting on his ass in an office full of ugly people.
so monday i bring the kitty into the shelter as no one responded to my signs of PLEASE GET YOUR KITTEN WITH A BELL ON OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE I SELL IT TO THE CHINESE REST.!!!! with my phone number plastered on it. the shelter women, all of whom looked most likely like the women that work in mike's office except frumpier and covered in fur, took boo boo kitty fuck and placed her in the general population area of cell block c along with a retarded dachsund, six terriers from peurto rico (you could tell they were peurto rican as they were blasting that song gasolina out of their cages), and some other furry kittens easily more adorable then herself. and it was over, or so i thought.
monday night im on respite from working with the north shore of massachusetts finest when a lady calls me. she says in her own way that the kitten is her neighbors and she lives at house number 219. "why im your neighbor, the skinny one." i say. "oh hey, weve met." she drools and hisses. i swear i think she wakes up with a cocktail of bloody mary and percosets. the cat belongs to the college girls next to her and they dont take very good care of it, she explains. " well its at the shelter now. im sure theyll take better care of it there." i say. and then i get the phone number of her collegiate neighbor girls and call them sternly.
me-are you missing a cat?
girl-yes! do you have it?
me-no. do you know that there are signs for it not twenty feet away from your house distinctly saying that I have your kitten.
girl- i didnt see them.
me- well theyre there! did you not go looking for your kitten after you lost her?
girl- i didnt know she was missing.
me-for two days?!?!
girl- do you have her or not?
me- shes at the shelter on highland ave. good luck.
girl- thanks.
me- and another thing! are you a blonde?
girl- ummm yeah.why?
me- lookit. this is twice now ive had to deal with your pussy. once when you were on your porch with your perez hilton friend battery blasting each other. and now this. im getting tired of it. keep your pussy indoors.
girl-...holy shit. im so sorry. and thanks again.
me- anytime. good luck with your boo boo kitty fuck.
girl- whu?

and that is where that ended. turns out that someone adopted that kitten rather quickly, and that girl is very sad, and i cant say i blame her. as a matter of fact i feel massively responsible for boo boo being picked up so quickly, and it makes me upset to think that that girl is missing her friend tonight. and i do feel bad, i really do, but hearing her voice over the phone did so much damage to my sex drive again that i really cant say if i might ever be the same. i should have asked her if she's still wearing two pairs of underwear...and why???